If you’d rather get right to the moon quotes you can scroll down to the bottom of this post until you see the moon pictures. I’ll get to Jane Eyre and the moon quotes momentarily, but first…
I am so tired. Yes, I know I sound like a broken record, but really, I am tired. There’s been a lot going on- school shopping, grocery shopping, a very long day at the zoo, 90 minutes spent at my son’s new high school just to get his schedule and locate only half of his classes, a very unexpected bachelorette party on Saturday night, a baby’s 1st birthday party yesterday afternoon, and then last night we went to the Football Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio. We had a 2 hour drive there and back and we didn’t get home until just after midnight. This morning I had to get up at 7 to take my 14-year-old son to a friend’s house for a day trip to an amusement park. Well, first I was woken up around 5 by some very strange dreams, but there was still time for me to go back to sleep before my alarm went off. However, I wasn’t able to that because my son was already up and already in trouble. He had been up since about 5- watching YouTube and playing games on his tablet, and he knows he isn’t supposed to do that! So my husband took the tablet from him and put it in our room. And what does my son do? He gets on his laptop!
I know what you’re thinking, Why does he have a tablet AND a laptop?
Grrrrrrr! Curse them and their desire to bestow expensive gifts on my children!
So I went in his room and demanded he get off and then of course lectured him about this and that and everything else, which I know isn’t exactly effective, but damn it I’m tired! He is driving me crazy….
Anyway, where was I? Oh, that’s right- busy. Parties, a football game, family stuff, kid stuff, preparing for a new school year, etc….. Prior to all this, or in the midst of it, my brother Nick texted me one night:
[Have you heard about Daniel? I just found out tonight.]
Ok, honestly, I thought he was about to tell me that our brother was dead. I’m serious. My brother’s situation is that bad. As I said in my first post he is basically homeless. He tells my mom that he sometimes sleeps in abandoned houses, and, believe me, the part of town he frequents has no shortage of abandoned houses. Sometimes he sleeps on a random home’s porch or in an unused garage. People have called the police to have him removed. He is always asking my mom for money, or demanding it from her. And it’s always denominations of 20. Years ago it was, “Hey, can I get $20?” He would always have some desperate reason why he needed it- medicine, bus money, he owes someone, etc… But it was all lies. If anyone agreed to give him $20 then it would turn into $40. “Well, actually 40 would be better” he’d say, but he would settle for $20 if you told him it was all you could do. Then it became $40 or $60, and the story was that he needed it to pay for Suboxone or a hotel room.
No one will let him live with them because he steals. He’s stolen from my mom’s house I can’t tell you how many times. She finally stopped letting him come back. She did, however, very recently get him a pre-paid cell phone so he would have a better chance at complying with his probation. (More on that later.) And what did he do with it? He sold it. He claimed it was stolen but he always says that. We know he sold it. Almost anything my mom has given him since he was 18 he has sold. Maybe some of the stuff was lost or stolen, but we think a lot of it was pawned, sold on the street, or traded in exchange for drugs. You can’t give him anything- he will turn into drugs.
He’s on probation because he broke into Nick’s apartment- for the 2nd time. That’s right, he robbed his own brother. Twice. The first time he got in by smashing the siding glass door. He stole Nick’s flat screen TV, Xbox and games, and some cash. The 2nd time Daniel broke in he did it through an upstairs window. He stole Nick’s brand new Xbox One, the few games he had for it- oh, and his car. A few days later he was caught by the police in that stolen car and was arrested. (Stolen copper pipes were also found in the backseat). The Xbox was already pawned of course. Finger prints- actually an entire hand print- confirmed it was him who broke into the upstairs window. These are felonies, Buddy. You’re going down.
He spent some time in jail, had to detox alone in a cell with nothing more than pain reliever to “help” him through it. Believe me, it was very difficult thinking of him going through that alone… He would be in prison right now but, because these were non-violent crimes committed by a person who is clearly an addict, he was released under certain conditions. He was given a place at a homeless shelter and was supposed to report to a probation officer for daily drug testing. The program would also help get him a job and into an out-patient rehab program.
I would say, “Well, that didn’t last long,” but it never even began. As soon as he was out he was right back to it- lying, asking for money (40, 60, 80), crying about not having anywhere to live and claiming he had to leave the homeless shelter because it was infested with bed bugs. It probably is, but so is any other place he can find to crash. He has the nerve to claim he’s not on drugs, that he needs money for a place to stay the night, but we know it’s not true. My mom doesn’t give him money anymore, no one does. So I find myself wondering at times, What does he do to get the drugs he wants/needs?
I’m sure I don’t want to know…
People just like him- addicts- are found dead everyday in the neighborhoods where he drifts and wanders. Bodies are found in empty condemned houses and apartments, in dumpsters…. Some have OD’d, some have been murdered.
So you can see how I thought Oh god, he’s dead when Nick texted me.
[Have you heard about Daniel?]
However, he was referring to Daniel not complying with his probation-which I already knew- and that no one had heard from him in a few weeks- which I did not know.
We have no way of contacting him. None whatsoever. Our only way of knowing he’s alive is that he calls our mom, but he apparently hasn’t done that in several weeks. This has happened before, but you never know. This time could be it….
Nick also texted to me, “I don’t know how to handle this.”
This is unusually candid for him. He is a man of few words and certainly not prone to confessions of an emotional nature. I was completely caught off guard. I really wanted to help him but I wasn’t sure how. I know how to help myself, I know what I need to do to “handle” (deal with) the chaos and heartache that my family creates, but what works for me won’t necessarily work for Nick. I’m the only one in my family who has been open to therapy/counseling. I’ve suggested this to Nick several times before, but he was always pretty clear about not wanting to go that route. I think for him therapy has always been a last resort. However, I know that Daniel’s sad life and addiction hurts (and angers) Nick more than it does me. When it comes to Daniel I have been able to achieve a great deal of detachment- Nick has not. And finally here he was reaching out for help. I figured there was no point in suggesting therapy again so I suggested Al-Anon, which has also been immensely helpful to me. I wanted to suggest both Al-Anon and counseling, but I didn’t think he’d go for it. However, to my surprise, when I texted him about Al-Anon he texted back that he was thinking of counseling.
Well, I jumped all over the chance to encourage that! He said he didn’t know where to start so I gave him a few ideas, but I tried to make sure I didn’t overwhelm him.
So with all that’s been going on it’s no surprise that I’ve had a little anxiety. One night recently I was experiencing some chest pains and shortness of breath. Sometimes when I’m anxious, and especially when my mind is racing with absurd chaotic thoughts, I have a little prayer that I slowly repeat to myself. It helps me calm down.
Peace in my mind
Peace in my heart
Faith in the Kingdom
Faith in the Guard
The first two lines are pretty basic- a simple and concise declaration for a peaceful state of mind and body. The second two lines were inspired by one of the most beautiful lines I have ever read:
“…there is an invisible world and a kingdom of spirits; that world is round us, for it is everywhere; and those spirits watch us, for they are commissioned to guard us”
That is from the novel Jane Eyre (one of my favorites!), which, oddly enough, finally brings me to the quotes for Moon Post Monday. The first time I read Jane Eyre I was very surprised by the number of times the moon was mentioned and it really stuck with me. I made note of the best of them and here they are….
“…when the moon, which was full and bright, came in her course to that space in the sky opposite my casement, and looked in at me through the unveiled panes, her glorious gaze roused me. Awaking in the dead of night, I opened my eyes on her disk– silver-white and crystal clear. It was beautiful, but too solemn…”
“He saw me, for the moon had opened a blue field in the sky, and rode in it watery bright.”
“The east had its own charm of fine deep blue, and its own modest gem, a rising and solitary star; soon it would boast the moon, but she was yet beneath the horizon.”
“On the hill top above me sat the rising moon; pale yet as a cloud, but brightening momentarily…”
“…for I am to take mademoiselle to the moon, and there I shall seek a cave in one of the white valleys among the volcano-tops, and mademoiselle shall live with me there…”
“…the moon appeared momentarily… her disk was blood-red and half overcast. She seemed to throw on me one bewildered, dreary glance, and buried herself again instantly in the deep drift of cloud.”
“…the sea, which I could hear from thence, rumbled dull like an earthquake- black clouds were casting up over it; the moon was setting in the waves, broad and red, like a hot cannon-ball– she threw her last bloody glance over a world quivering with the ferment of tempest.”